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I am a 31 y/o gay male and have lived through a terrible childhood. I have horrible childhood memories as I was always shunned at school because I was different. I always new I was different from the time
I started school, but never understood what the reasons were.
When I was in elementary school, one winter we were visiting my grandparents
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"...go in the bathroom, pull down my pants and look for my self"
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and I was playing with one of my cousins baby dolls and my mother told me I should not be playing with dolls because I was a little boy. She told me to go
in the bathroom, pull down my pants and look for my self. While playing with the doll I didn't see where I was doing anything wrong. I was being gentle and loving to the baby doll like it was a real
baby. How could this all be conceived as being wrong. Is the reason being because I am a boy and boys are not supposed to love? I was so confused
and depressed by this time in my life I knew something had to change. I would pray to God every night and ask him to please help me fit in to life
like all the other kids in the world. Why was I the only kid not fitting in?
When I was in the 6th grade we had a sex education class at school and at that time I had finally understood why I was so different from the other children. I had
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"All the names cut through my heart, as I had not done anything wrong"
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fears that you could never imagine. I decided I had to live the rest of my life by living a lie. How could anyone fully understand my thoughts and concerns
if I couldn't understand them? I went on to Jr. High and made a few friends with a couple of girls that would have fought tooth or nail to protect me. No,
they didn't know I was gay and I was not going to tell them. I was constantly being asked if I were a "FAG" by my other classmates and I would lie. The
hurtful names were not just "FAG" but others such as Fudge packer, sissy boy, mama's boy, girlie, boy lover, etc. All the names cut through my heart, as I had not done
anything wrong. I had never been with a boy or man.
I finally made it to High School and couldn't stand the thought of starting another new school. I had no self -esteem and just wanted to die. My
older sister also attended the same school and would stick up for me any chance she could, but would she have stuck up for me if she new I
were Gay? I could not tell her. How would I deal with not having a sister be there for me? I was already alone in this world with no where to turn
. I remember when I was a freshman she wanted a boy to send her flowers, so on her birthday I sent her a dozen red roses and just signed
the card from an admirer. Needless to say I made her day and let her believe a classmate of hers sent them to her. I never hung around my
sister and her friends while in school because she had her circle of friends and I feared that if I interfered she might lose them because of having a gay brother.
I had decided to take a drama class so maybe I could learn how to act straight, because apparently people could tell in my actions. I met a girl
and she became a good friend. I tried dating her, but things just didn't work out as I was miserable in the relationship. She had a gay friend
and she accepted him with all her heart. I still could not open up to her. I had been conditioned for so long that gays are so bad I could never admit that I was gay to anyone.
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"I had never heard one good thing about homosexuals "
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Day by day I became more and more depressed and suicidal, all I wanted was to have someone understand me, but I knew no one could, because I heard all the
other students talk so bad about homosexuals, FAGS, Sissy's etc. I had never heard one good thing about homosexuals.
When I turned 21 my female friend from high school and her gay friend had taken me to my first GAY BAR. I was in heaven. All these men seemed so happy. They all accepted
themselves and were having so much fun. I knew I could never live that life as I was raised in the First Church of God based out of Anderson
Indiana. I would try to build my self up from Monday – Saturday and try to make my self happy and then on Sunday I would go to church and be
knocked back down to the ground. The next day I would start to build myself up and work on myself all week and start feeling a little better
and then I would go to church on Sunday and they would knock me back down again. I was really getting tired of the roller coaster of life and decided to end it all.
On October 15, 1991 I had arranged to take my life. I had decided I was going to take some pills and go to bed that night and never have to
deal with life again. Anything had to be better than the hell I was living through on a daily basis. I had called my female friend from High School
to tell her good bye and asked if she could take my cat and give him a good home. She said she wanted to talk to me and asked if she could
come pick me up and we could take a ride somewhere. I agreed and we went to a park and sat there for 3 hours talking. She had told me she
knew I was gay and wanted me to know she loved me very much and she could not live without me in her life. For the first time in my life
someone had reach out to me and showed me unconditional love. I thank God everyday because I would not be here today if he hadn't
sent me that Guardian Angel to be by my side at the lowest time in my life.
If you are thinking about suicide, I just want you to know things can and will get better. Keep your chin up high, know that you are very special
and the world needs more people like you. Remember you always have a friend at PFLAG.
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