Life Lingers for No One

by Phat -Georgia, USA

Life lingers for no one. Life fills itself with questions, hopes, dreams, and roads. If you have a secret tell it to someone, lend someone your ears if they tell you something, and aid those who cling onto the rope of life. Robert Frost once wrote,  transverse on the path least taken . Be sure those who do not listen hear your voice and let no label be your final judgment. Life is too brusque to cut
 Woe to the hand that shed this blood!  Antony of Rome hath once spoken. Indeed, he was a hero of tragic times and fought for the great of Rome, but also for himself and his ambitions. There is so much irony within his words and actions that no one is sure of his true feelings. Historians were never sure when it comes to questioning Antony s sexuality. Some believe he was homophobic, but others, in no doubt, know that he is a homosexual. However, back in ancient Greek and Rome homosexuality is common.
 
 Satisfactorily done Chris, an A+ I presume?  Mr. McKinsey grinned.
It was a Friday afternoon. The sun risen, singed the brilliant, blue sky and dented the clouds with its ray of hope and light, until it becomes restless and slumps back down pursued by the murky feeling of a chilly afternoon. The children were also agitated, exhausted and eager for the day to end soon. It was three o clock and the bell prepped itself to chime once more; strident as possible like today was the final time it would ever ring again. The atmosphere was distinct today. Chris had asked his mom to stay over at a friend s house and he intended to go no matter what tried to stop him.
 Mom, please can I stay at Matt s house today? Please, please, please, please.
 Exactly what are you guys going to do?
 Well, he and I are going to watch a movie and have a sleep over thing you know.
 Fine, whatever Chris, your old enough to decide for yourself but don t do anything you ll regret in the future, alright?
 Why do you say something like that Mom?
Do not do anything you will regret in your future. Do not mess up your entire future. Do not do something you will regret later. The words constantly stabbed at him as he sauntered out the front doors of the school.
 
 What does she mean? Could she possibly know about me? But, how can she?
 Chris! Over here, hurry or I ll leave you,  he exclaimed with a beam on his face.
That is Matt, he has been best friends with me ever since the second grade and we often have our instants, fights and problems, but we manage to stay friends. Friendship is always majestic; you always meet new friends wherever you go and your old ones never leave. Friendship is the horizon, it expands on and on and on forever as we approach it. Matt and I have never doubted that saying because our relationship was a lot more complex than friendship.
 So, what s the movie we are watching,  I replied in regards to his grin.
 You ll see once we get home.
I got in the car and glanced at him and he did vice versa. I turned the radio up very loud, pressed the down button on the windshields and told Matt to step on it. Matt and I were ecstatic. It was bizarre how whenever we are together everything else: our problems, worries and schoolwork, seem to flutter pass us like the wind in our hair as the car whizzed sixty miles an hour. The radio switched from commercials to radiomen talking and back to the songs, at which I stop thinking to listen when one specific song came on.
 I don t want another pretty face. I don t want just anyone to hold. I want you and your beautiful soul.

What I did next was something I could not restrain. Maybe it was by impulse because I was sad or the song made me emotional.
 Matt?
 Yea, what s up man?
 I love you.  I leaned over and kissed him on the cheeks.
 Me too,  he replied with a smile.
I was not shocked, actually, this was not the first time we expressed our feelings to each other.
I remember back in fifth grade when I had had an erection from looking at a porn magazine of men, when Matt walked into my room. He was over at my house because I had promised I would help him with his homework and he would do the same. It was our regular meeting because we just had so much fun and finished all our homework at the same time. I laugh at myself sometimes when I think of this experience. I was shocked when he was standing there, looking at me, when I was deep into the magazine. I scrambled to hide the magazine, fell off the bed and the book flung out of my hands and next to his foot. It was obvious He grabbed the book with curiosity and read it, but what happened next was not what I expected. He gave me a hand up. I was surprised all right, but also happy and somewhat confident in myself. He looked at me for a long time, somewhat like twenty or thirty minutes, but I lost track of time as his green bluish eyes mesmerized me. I had to break the silence
 What are you looking at?
 Your boner dude,  he smiled and started to laugh.
 
I was embarrassed but happy that someone finally knew my secret. I doubted that Matt could be a homosexual. I did not ask him partly because I was still sensitive about these things, but also because he took me by surprise when he did something before I could open my mouth.
 Shhhhhh ,  he whispered as he began to push his lips toward mine.
It was exciting. He French kissed me and I felt like I was eating Jell-o but with the taste of peppermint in it. I became weak to the point where I collapsed on my bed. Afterwards I remember a lot of moaning, enough for my mom to hear from downstairs. Maybe that was the reason why she became so protective of me and became suspicious of my actions. I was lost within the whole thing. I was overjoyed and too shocked to understand or remember it completely and Matt was likewise. We were not sexually active or thinking such a way, but it was rather a loving kiss that Matt had wanted to give me since he first saw me.
The screeching of tires had awakened me from my stream of consciousness. I looked at Matt and he looked at me with terror in his eyes. It was as if some cat had ripped his tongue out and mistook his eyes as yarn balls. He just kept alternating from looking at me to the house at the end of the street.
 When are you moving?  I said sadly.
 I don t know ,  he remarked followed by a loud sigh.
 Oh well.

I did not like the fact that I could guess why he was moving again. This could be a repeat of the last time: he moved because his parents are from the army. Their job was more important than Matt s schoolwork, his life and his existence, because millions of lives depended on the army to correct the war that Bush had started back in the twenty-first century. Matt will not be back for another six months or more. The thought saddened me and made me almost cry, Matt sensing it, grabbed me and gave me a hug. He will be leaving soon, probably tomorrow
 We can spend tonight having fun, its not like I won t be back Chris.
 Yea right you ll be back,  I replied, dodging his glance and looking at his house,  can t you stay with us?
 Really? I don t know, maybe. I can ask my parents.
Maybe I can ask my parents. That maybe sounds so chanceless. Life seems to be gradual at times, which makes the painful periods more long-drawn-out. No one can understand why we do our everyday things mechanically, why love is something you do not commit to anymore or why the birds or bees do not sing in the mornings like they did before. It was all hopeless. We have been through this before and it is redundant to the point that I give up trying. He will not be staying I am one hundred percent sure.
 Matt we ve been through this before. You can t stay with Chris. We can t keep a watch on you like that.
 Mom, I m sixteen and I believe I can watch out for myself,  Matt replied with haste.
 I don t care what you think you can do, it s a matter of your safety.
 
 NO ITS NOT. You don t trust me and you know it too! You re a liar! I hate you!
I could hear them yelling, firing rockets at one another, creating their own little war and more yelling each emotional as the last, as I sit in Matt s car being somewhat disturbed. You re a liar! I hate you! Those words were cold as if Matt was not the one originally talking; like some undead from the pits of Hades came and inhabited his body. It was my entire fault because I knew I should not have given him such ideas. How stupid was I? I unlocked the car door and let myself feel the tension of the dampened afternoon air; its toxicity created by the spitting of poison from the two. The sand beneath my feet was hot. The sun, still gorging in its fire and turning into a beast of flames like the phoenix, is dying to be reborn in the next twelve hours. The sand began to cool as the phoenix settled. The waves beating behind us lowered the tension and fury between them and allowed me to tread with ease. I grabbed some sand on the way towards the two and felt its soft but roughness in my hand. I began to think of Matt, who made me want to grab hold of the sand even harder and not let it leave my grasp. I found to my surprise that as I held on to the sand with each tightening grip, it all fell out. Sometimes friendship is like that
 Matt!
 WHAT!  he yelled with weight in his voice.
 Mrs. Tyler I m sorry, it was my idea that Matt should ask you
 No it wasn t at least it wasn t you who decided what I should do. I m staying mom and you can t do a thing about it.
 Fine  his mom answered to both our surprises,  You re old enough to know. Besides your right we can t stop you no matter what we try to do. Go ahead, go on.

Matt and I did not know what to say now. I expected that his mom would put up a bigger fight, but I guess she got tired of this every time they moved. Matt and I walked away from her towards the waves and the beach as she began to pack the car up. As we walked, I looked at the sand and this time it gleamed along with the sunset sky and the birds gawking above. Everything seems perfect at that moment and I wanted it that way. I wanted everything to stay the same forever. We sat there, on the beach, for a few minutes and Matt reached over to rest his hand on my shoulder.
 The sun, its beautiful I ve never seen it like this before.
 Everything seems even more beautiful than before when your about to lose something,  I said without noticing Matt s reaction.
 But I m not losing anything. What are you talking about?
 For a minute there I thought I was going to lose you but I guess not. Your going to miss your parents aren t you? They are leaving for a long time,  I replied, knowing his exact answer already.
 Naw let s go see the movie.
As much as I loved Matt, I knew that inside him and me, we both wanted him to be with his parents. We got into the car again and as he started the engine, this time, it roared with great anguish.
I was in seventh grade and the teacher had put on a nature video on lion s mating. It was an unforgettable experience; though, we missed much of the video and almost failed the quiz. It was dark in the classroom because all the lights were off for the video, and Matt and I had asked the teacher, separately at different times, if we could go to the restroom. The classroom was congested, warm and the movie turned us both on what happened next in the restroom was a different story.
The car took a left turn and into Playa Linda and I looked at Matt with confusion. This was not a movie theater or anything close to one.
 Matt, what are we doing here?
Matt grinned,  We ve got a change of plans since we are going to stay together for a long time.  I thought we can do the movie another time.
 What s so special about this place?
 I thought we could spend sometime by ourselves in the beach house,  he replied delighted.
 Uh, didn t we just leave your parents beach house and now we are here?
 Well this is my friend s place, and I ve got the keys...believe me, its special,  He gave the scariest smile ever,  Plus, we are away from my parents.
Whenever we are distraught or confused, we all have our special places to go to and hide from the world s advances. Nonetheless, life continues its course even if we lock ourselves from the outer world. When we emerge from our slumber, as if a bear lost in deep hibernation awakened and found out it has to let loose the build up of feces, we find ourselves a step behind. How can we stay ahead a step from life s torment? The answer is not valid nor is there reason to find validation. Enjoy life, carpe diem or in other words make hay while the phoenix shines.
 
It is not easy to tread lightly upon life s many paths, but we must all remember not to trample over others in the process. You may find yourself stuck between two roads like the fork strategy on a Chess game; a knight can go either way to win either piece. You can either save your Queen and risk your Rook or prepare to lose the ultimate piece in the game of Chess. There are those who see great wisdom in losing one piece to gain the upper hand and then there are those who would do anything to win. There is no pride in borrowing a hand or a heart in the process of struggling to become your best. If you ever do find yourself in that position, you are no more then a mirror image of Frankenstein.
Today was a Friday, the most exciting day out of the whole week, not because it is the last day but because it was Election Day. Our school needed a president, not to say our last one was not perfect, but she had that position for over three years now. I am neither amazed nor cared, Crystal Pennington was a great politician of our graduating glass and she remained the top. She used every resource possible and every scheme, dirty or not, to become president. It seemed so useless to try to out do her that no one really wanted to run for president. It was very different this year As if the Presidential Election was not enough, Crystal has a new rival and her name is Elisa Wood. They both seemed the same with matching hairstyle, eyes, clothes, and the aurora of  something bad is coming by your way if you do not move . When they walk down the hallways during locker breaks, it is as if some band is playing Beethoven s Symphony behind them while they boast their breasts in competition, walking sideways with their high heels as if crabs getting ready for a TLC over a mate.
 You re going down Crystal,  she said, flinging her blond hair.
 Ditto, oh yea You want to see my campaign buttons I made?
It read  Sleep with Elisa. Vote for Crystal . Who could forget? There have always been rumors that Elisa was a whore, stripper, and everything else that fits the definition of a slut. I never really cared about what people said, especially things about Elisa. Elisa was my best friend and she cared for me even though she knew I was bisexual.
Back in ninth grade, she even tried to sleep with me to turn me straight again. It was a weird moment and I could never forget it, though there was nothing more then friendship between her and me. Then later on, she tried to sleep with Matt to get him straightened out and the incident pretty much drew the line between her and me. We did not talk at all afterwards and went our separate ways after the ninth grade.

 Matt, what s up man?
He gave a heavy sigh,  You want to help me move all my stuff into your house this afternoon? I ve got a lot of homework and there s a lot of stuff to be moving.
 Sure  I replied, bummed out about the fact.
 You want to carry these books for me to class?  Matt asked with a grin on his face.
 Sure.
I dreaded going to class especially when my next period teacher was different from the others. Despite the A s in all my classes, I was failing this one. I just had little interest in History. The teacher agreed to give me A s on my report cards on one condition: I let him do whatever he wants. Exactly what he wanted me to do was unclear, but I agreed anyway. I was sure that even though I hated History there was no possible way I could fail it unless he failed me on purpose. I was weak, still am, and I fear telling anyone especially Matt. I did not want him to get involved in this quarrel between my teacher and me.
One day after school, when I stayed behind to talk to him about my essay on the Russo-Japanese War he had advanced on me. He knew I was bi and he knew I would not dare tell anyone because he had a solid foundation to back himself up. I bent over to take my books from under the chair and felt something grab me. I wanted to take that chair and just whack him upside his head with it, but I knew better than to taunt Mr. McKinsey.
>From then on, it was  Nicely done Chris. An A+ I presume .
The bell gave a demonic ring and I lingered behind Matt trying to squeeze every minute possible out of the time. Matt noticed that I was behind him and came back to grab me by the hand and pulled me towards room number sixty-nine. It was the gate of hell and if I ever walk into it, I knew that I would not get out until the gatekeeper allowed me. Matt walked in with ease as I stammered and almost tripped over the edge of the door.
 Welcome, Mr. Wilson and Mr. Tyler. I assume you two have your history books with you and are ready to learn a wonderful lesson today?
He was such a liar, he had so many masks and faces, and no one knew his real identity but only that he was the nicest teacher ever. I see him with a mask of a liar, a deceitful person, and a child molester. Matt sat down and I took the chair right next to him without a glance at Mr. McKinsey. I managed to pass the time of Mr. McKinsey s boring lectures by staring at Matt and then out the window at the big mirror they had placed in the room next door. It was huge and I could see the reflection of the whole class through it even though it was very far away.
I could see myself in the mirror and Matt as well. We were staring at ourselves in my bedroom both stripped down to our boxers. We had kissed for the first time and it felt great. I was never half-naked with a boy before. I looked at Matt with distressed eyes.

 You think my mom heard that?
 What? Your moaning? Naw  he replied with a half-hearted laugh.
The door to my bedroom opened. My mom was there with a credit card in one hand and the bible in the other. Apparently, she had jiggled the door open with the credit card but the bible was another thing. Matt scrambled to get his clothes on and ran out the door.
 CHRIS! What were you thinking? WHY? You ve not only disgraced the family name but you ve sinned yourself! YOU KNOW IT S NOT RIGHT! YOU
 Shut up. SHUT UP. I DON T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. I love Matt, mom, I love him a lot. Yes, I m gay and straight and white and blond and many other things, but I m going to like him no matter how you feel,  I yelled back at her while still half-naked.
I began to dress myself again. She said something back in a normal tone,  Chris, before you do anything you ll regret I hope you know that you ve hurt me and your dad.
 Dad s dead, mom. He doesn t even know what the hell is happening up here.
 CHRIS! Look what you ve turned into, you re cursing your father and you re defying Christ!
 Last I check you re the one that s Christian and I m Atheist.
She sobbed and cried creating another Nile River right here in our home. I hugged her and she spoke once again,  At least have common sense Chris, please, and just stop seeing Matt and we can send you to a Christian school to fix your sins.
 I can t, mom, even though it hurts you to see me like this I can t control what I feel or who I am. You know that,  I walked out on her and over to Matt s house to see if he was okay.
That was the last time I saw my mom as a normal person. Lately she has been getting those treatments for mental problems and I am not sure what they are. She took pills everyday, dodged my glances, and just left me alone whenever I came home from school or Matt s house. I did not care and she did not care. It was like the sides of a mirror, one reflects who you really are and the other is just made of wood. The eye cannot see itself but by reflection.
The bell rang. I stood up and ran out the door, Matt following my path.
 What s wrong Chris?
 Nothing, just happy another school day is gone
Sometimes the choices in life can take you great places, but it can also bring you down. Some choices you have control over and some it just seems hopeless and impossible to change. Of course, changing it would not mean much and you would only build on to the Tower of Babel. Either way, someone will get hurt in the process of discovering who you are and why things that revolve around you happened that way   God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
Numerous imperfections make up life and we often find ourselves coiled within its ring of destruction. People become heroes because they lurk into the deepest pits, the core of their minds, and conquer their greatest enemy, not because they are rich, famous, or good-looking.  We all have to face the one thing we fear most of all, however, how we manage to face our enemies is another story. Sometimes it is dealt by putting in front of us our brightest moments, which shines over all else even in the darkest of times. It is always hard to find our way back out of the pit of hell when the light of heaven ceases to shine over time, as a candle that runs out of oxygen. Therefore, a challenge lies ahead and we have to walk in the dark and struggle to find our own way.
Matt and I were going to meet at the mall today because we both had raised enough money to buy a game console. I was planning to buy Playstation Titanium but Matt thought it would be better to get an Xbox 3. Exactly what the difference was between those two I did not care. We had waited six months to save our extra change and we managed to make a total of four hundred dollars. Both our families were poor and our parents could not afford us the necessities of childhood, which involved games, games, and more games.
Back in the third grade, when my dad was still alive and my mom was not diagnosed with depression, our family had gone Christmas shopping three days before Christmas Eve. We were buying gifts for other people in our family and I felt so left out. Ever year it was so important that they get people s gift based on a list, which placed the most important family members on the top, and I was always last. The problem with being last was that I did not get what I always wanted. Sure, it was respectful to give people gifts and since I was their child, all I needed was their  love .

 Dad can I have a PS3, please?  I asked him out of toy desperation.
 No, we only have about twenty bucks left and you know where that s going tonight.
Matt was already waiting for me at the main gate of the mall entrance. I treaded towards him with heavy feet and allowed myself to slow down when I got closer.
 What s up man?
 Nothing much. So where should go to get the Xbox 3?
 I thought it was a PS3?
 Whatever let s just find the store.
We headed towards the mall and the double doors slid upward to let us in. It was amazing, the lights, huge plasma TVs hanging from the ceiling, and the aroma of food, obviously we have entered the food court. We walked and walked and walked and we never seemed to be going in a certain direction, just randomly from place to place checking things out. This was our first time ever being in a mall and we were so enticed by the numerous little gadgets and things happening that we forgot about the store. It was like a palace inside a palace inside a huge theme park, a corridor in every direction that led into other corridors. However, within this filthy rich place, something never really fit in and it was obvious. In the middle of the atrium of the exit gate, there stood a woman, dressed in grey, hair all white, and vending something. People stood around her and those who she talked to just walked away with their faces filled with disgust. I walked over followed by Matt.

 Hello.  She answered, with a crooked smile and ghost-like voice.
I smiled but I was not sure if she noticed because she was blind. Matt nagged at me and I pulled away from him and opened my mouth,  Uhm .Can I please know what you re selling, Mrs. ?
 Please call me Mary; I am not use to formalities. What brings you two youngsters to this place today? Buying videogames, I assume. Or out on a date with your girlfriends?
She was weird and I laugh at the fact that she thought we were on dates with our girlfriends; however, it was somewhat scary she had guessed the fact that we were buying videogames.
 Aren t you blind lady?  Matt asked. I nudged him and gave him a face.
 Why, by your voices. You have honesty; I like that in a person. I can tell you will have a bright future, as long as you do not hang around here like me. Would you like to buy some videos?
 Isn t it against the law to copy them and sell it?  Matt was on a roll and I was about to beat him up.
She smiled and just tended to her business. I felt sad because she reminded me of both of us, how poor we both are. A second later two kids just walked by, grabbed about five video tapes and walked away without paying her. I was frustrated and somewhat distraught at the fact that she did not even noticed it, or that this could have happened so many times before we even talked to her.
 
 Didn t you see that?
 I cannot see, however I did feel it. Oh, but there are some things in life you cannot control, I am old and there is no point in running after someone I cannot even see. Tell me child, do you surf?
 Yes, I do.
 Well, I use to be quite the surfer your age. Whenever you ride the waves, you have to bend your feet to control it. If you do not, well, you will find soon that the wave is riding you. What can you do? Yelling at them would not help. You just have to bite your tongue and try again.
I was mad, furious, and goddamn who knows. I did not know why I felt such a way or why I was on the edge of crying. I looked at Matt and he just looked back at me in dismay, not knowing what was happening. Slowly, I stuck my hand inside by pockets and, swiftly, I dumped the contents into her hand, grabbed a videotape, and walked away. Matt caught up to me and I knew what was coming next.

 WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Did you not know that was four hundred bucks you gave her?
 I know, but look on the bright side we got a video to watch,  I said giving a weak smile.
He was mad and I still think he never let the incident go away in his mind. We walked the rest of the way back to the car in silence and I just stared at the windows of nearby shops. When we reached the Old Navy store, I stopped at the huge water fountain and looked back.
 What s wrong Chris? Not another one of your amazing  save the day things  is it?
 Shut up.  I said, staring at the two kids at the Spencer s Gifts store.
I was unsure of what made me do what I did next. I walked up to one of those kids and threw my fist into his face and then likewise to the other one. They both jumped me and I saw Matt pull one of them away and thrust his fist into the boy s stomach. The security guard had a hold of me and the other boy, who was trying to punch me back in revenge. Moments later, several other security guards came and took Matt away.
 Are you mad at me Matt?
 Why, for putting us both in here? It smells like rat shit and this place is as cold as hell.
 That s why they call it a prison, Matt.
 It ll be better staying in a one star hotel.
 Whatever, I m going to see if I can call my mom to get us out.
I was not happy with the fact that we ended up like this for trying to help an old elderly woman. What was our judicial system like? Briberies, frauds, and lies are what it is filled of, that and many other imperfections.
 Hello?
 Hello, is it you Chris?
 Yes, I need you to do something for me can you bail us out of jail?
 WHAT? I can t believe you Chris. What in the world did you do?
 It s complicated mom, can you bail us out?  I asked, worried she might ground me forever.
 You have another quarter?
 Yes, actually
 Then call some other goddamn person who cares, because I don t have a son like you  the phone was dead.
I was in dismay and scared. 
 Whatcha  lookin  at, mate?  the person from across the cell appeared out of the shadows.
 AH! Oh sorry, uhm  who are you?  I asked, confused.
 I use to be the best basketball player on my street, but you see here, I like the feeling of being a criminal. The adrenaline, the short fuse, the scariness, and the fun in crime, ah yes! I m in for robbery and theft, you?
 Fighting.

The court was full of people and there were about five men on each team. One of them made a dunk and the rest cheered in awe, another came with a three pointer and yet another cheer. I was on the side shooting free throws for fun, hanging out with my friends. Gym class was the most exciting time of the day, you can do whatever you want and you pass the class with an A. Some kids like to sit on the side and do their homework from other classes, but not me, I wanted to chat and play with my friends. We were minding our own business when I heard a loud thunk on the other side of the gym floor; two people had reached for a ball in mid air, and they both collided, John had his kneecap busted. I watched as the rest continued to play while he sat their and moaned in agony. I felt sad for John and walked over to him slowly, Coach Patterson likewise. To both our surprises, one kid was dragging a chair behind him walking towards John, offering him the chair to sit in. Brandon was deaf, mute, and had a body weight twice of mine; he suffers just from walking and doing sign language, he needed some serious exercise. Behind all those bad traits there was one exception, he had a kind heart. It saddens me to say that, out of all those other kids who merely just continued to play, it had to be the kid who was least expected to help.
Heroes come in many forms and sizes, Juvenal once wrote,  Many individuals have, like uncut diamonds, shining qualities beneath a rough exterior.  Like diamonds, people can wreak the benefits of being a hero, but sometimes the exterior is too hard to exfoliate. The truth is, heroes are not heroes because they are immortal or do not feel the pains of life, but because they are the few who willingly choose to end other s pains, causing their own. There is never fair democracy or judgment, or even special treatment for heroes, except the feeling of greatness in their hearts. Some choose to feel this priceless emotion and are willing to risk their life for it.
 
We all fear death but so many of us have experienced it before without knowing. Shakespeare s Julius Caesar once said,  Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.  It is human nature to be scared and no reason not to be scared. Who here, on the greens of Earth, are as valiant as the immortal Caesar anyway? Let us build ourselves a constant reminder not to let fear take us one by one. Certain situations can take our fears and turn them against us, but if we ask for help, all of us can stop our common enemy. Take a step forward and  fear nothing but fear itself Teddy Roosevelt.
 What are we going to do now?  I asked Matt, tensed and scared.
 Well, if your mom isn t going to bail us out then let s try calling my parents.
 NO! They ll see how I really screwed you up and make you leave!  I said with great agony and resentment,  We can t tell them! I hate my mom, why can t she help us!
 It s not her fault. She is under a lot of stress especially to find out that your gay. I can t even tell my parents or they would send me to boot camp or something.
 Does this count as a criminal record?  I asked calmly.
 What is a criminal record? We didn t steal or anything, you just attacked some guys.
 You say that like it s a joke.
I attacked some guys but barely enough to scratch them. I was feeling lonely, sad, depressed, and all other feelings possibly felt by a human being. A mess and confusion of different thoughts hit me, flashing by as if one would feel if he was about to breathe his last breath. I thought to myself,  Why I even attacked those guys, to help the lady, right, yes, no, no, it s no good to help her, what I had out of it, I don t understand . Just as I thought I was about to go crazy, Matt leaned over to kiss me and I leaned back, retreating from his lips. He pressed on and each time he moved closer until he cornered me against the wall.

 Kiss him. Do not back away. You two are a good couple. Just accept the fact that you are gay and have pride. He wants you. CHRIS, KISS HIM.
I looked around frantic not knowing who was talking to me and at the same time Matt planted a kiss on my mouth and I opened it. His tongue found its way towards the back of my throat and I tightened my hands in response. I swallowed everything and I liked every bit of it; his smell, his spit, his breathe on my face, and his eyes, which remained, close the whole time while mine watched him with fascination. He grabbed my hands with his and pushed it behind my back, as a cop would do when trying to put cuffs on a criminal. I did not retaliate and actually even liked it and soon he let go but I kept them there. I felt his hands push on my breasts and then travel down my shirt towards my abs, all while we were entwined in the kiss. I was breaking into cold sweats, starting to shudder when he dropped his hands on my crotch area, undoing the button and zipper. We never had sex before, we were half-naked before but never had he touched me anywhere without asking me. I broke the kiss and asked him to stop but he did not listen and continued to advance on me. I tried pushing him back but he grabbed my hands and held them with a tightening, painful grip. I yelled at him to stop and let go of me but he pinned my hand on the cold brick wall, pulling my pants half way down to my knees with his other hand. I kneed him in the stomach and backed away as he collapsed on the floor, gasping for air.
That was the end of our relationship. The end of the agony and pain I had kept in myself for years and years that would have come. Did I really like him or was I infatuated and lust often hit me in sudden swift motions? I loved loving and giving him anything that he wanted. So much love and care for him that I forget who I am and what I was doing. I was about to give my entire life to Matt and he was about to throw it into a bucket of hot, cold water.
The ice can be thin. When great weight is put on its fragile surface, it breaks with great agony and splashes. When hot water is poured on the layers, it melts away the ice gently and slowly. Either way, it is painful to watch humans suffer both drastically or gradually. Decisions have to be made because either way, someone suffers or someone gets hurt. Its nature and nature is uncontrollable as observed in its wild seasons and stormy weathers.  In the quivering of a leaf in the hue of a blade of grass in the shape of a trefoil in the humming of a bee in the gleaming of a dew-drop in the breathing of the wind in the faint odors that came from the forest there came a whole universe of suggestion a gay and motley train of rhapsodical and immethodical thought.   Edgar Allen Poe, A Tale of Ragged Mountains.
 
Some things in life do not seem to make sense at first look. People say,  To hate someone is to love them and to love someone is to hate them,  ironically, that is true. Unlike the gerbil or guinea pig that eats their young, the eagle that feeds its strongest surviving offspring, or the alligator that leaves their young, humans exist to pamper their offspring. Their actions may seem outrageous sometimes but compared to nature it is at a lower level. However, as god gave the fruits of wisdom and evil and humans attained free will and the capacity to think, some people bring it to a completely new level. Where is god when  the days are evil ?  Ephesians 5:15-16

Matt gave up and called his parents at the station. They came, picked him up, and we went our separate ways. I will never see or look at him, if even possible, the same way again. It was strange; the very presence of me at home gave chills to my body. My mom did not talk or even look at me, so I decided to get out of her way and go upstairs. I was lying in bed reading a bunch of magazines when my mom entered the room rampantly. She snatched the magazines from my hand with her left hand and smacked me in the face with her right. She went psychotic on me that day and I will never forget about it. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor as my mom had pulled me by the legs off my bed. She withdrew from her pocket a pocketknife and slid it out, jabbing at me randomly while I tried to hold her back.
 God NEVER intended you to live this way, YOUR NOT MY SON! DIE!
She fiercely, her eyes strained with tears, stabbed at me only missing by mere inches. While I was holding her back, she began to lose strength and looked drained. Unexpectedly, she went at it one more time and hit me on my left thigh.
 AHHHH!  I screamed in agony as blood gushed out on the carpet floor. I laid there and memories of my past flashed back to me, every one of them as scary and lonely as the one before.
My mom walked out the door without saying a word and was neither mad nor scared. I lay there just breathing hard and making faces each time the pain hit me instantly and spontaneously.
I woke up. I was not sure whether everything was a dream or the world seemed dreamy, because I felt every moment and every pain as if it had existed. I was lying on my bed and my sheets were muddled. After a while, I looked at the door and then back at the place on the floor where I had dreamed I had fallen. A few moments later, I heard footsteps and then my mom showed up at the door.

 Stay away from me,  I told her calmly.
She walked up to the left side of my bed and raised her right hand. I did not know why, I did not know what, but by instinct, I took the magazine, threw it at her, and ran out of the house.
The wind was damp, the clouds covered the sky, pierced at certain spots by sunlight, and a drizzle had started. I stared at the grass beneath my feet, uncut, wet, and light green as if half dead from the scorching sun the day before. The rattling of the leaves on the only tree on our lawn startled me. I stood there for a few seconds, completely lost, and wandered what I was going to do. The last leaves blew off the bare branches of the oak tree and into my face.