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"Alright, but I still don't get how you got 872." I said, slightly frustrated. Chris nodded, "Well ok...let me see what you've done so far." he
said, also sounding slightly frustrated. No one actually likes math...except the math teacher, who gets paid to like it.
Chris had come over to study with me, and so we decided my bed was
the best place. My sisters ran rampant down stairs and were, to say the least. Annoying. He was studying my problems now, he was so much better at math than me; I didn't understand algebra at all.
"Alright so do you see right here, how I got 34?" he asked in a kind voice. I nodded, "Yeah I understand that part..." I said, as my eyes averted from the math paper to Chris's deep blue eyes. Oh yeah, I
was paying attention to math. Chris+Me=Perfect Bliss.
The next day however I leaned that Mr. Deberog didn't quite understand my approach to math. "Nicholas" he said. "You seem to keep doing
so poorly on these math quizzes and tests. Are you sure you are studying?" I nodded. "Yes, a lot. I just...don't understand it." I sighed. Mr. Deberog out his hands on his hips and sighed. "Well,
then perhaps you'd benefit from our tutor program...." I shook my head, last thing I needed was some snobby kid teaching me math. Besides I already had Chris to help. "Ehh..no thanks Mr. Deberog. I mean
it is a student tutor program, and Chris has already been helping me out." I said so very dumbly. Mr. Deberog sighed. "Ok..."
Chris is my very best friend. We've known each other since before I
can remember. But lately I had been feeling...something a little different for him. I wanted to be close to him, closer than friends. I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to want the same thing. I just
knew that I'd never be able to be near him. Not unless I geta sex change, and maybe so estrogen or implants....sigh
I walked home every day, since I lived fairly close to school and I lacked a
bike or a car. Chris usually walked with me, but today he didn't. He really didn't talk much to me the whole day. I sighed. Yet more proof that he would never like me. He must be growing bored with me
even as a friend.
I couldn't even tell any one how I felt. I wasn't suppose to feel like this. Guys liked girls and girls liked guys, that's how it was suppose to be. I felt different though, and
only Chris mattered. Even if I couldn't ever be with him because he was a guy, I still wanted him and no one else would do. I loved him.
I got home and threw junk on the couch, including a math
book. I loathed math, did I mention that? Mom came into the living room with my little sister clung tightly to her leg. "Christopher called here hon." she said in her scary I love you and I'm your mother
tone. "He wanted to know if you could study at his place tonight." she paused. "Are you still struggling with that math? You know I'd help you but I'm no better at it than you are." I smiled. "That's ok,
Chris is good at it, I'll just head over now then, cuz I a have a lot of homework on it." I said. Mom nodded and went out into the kitchen, child still clung to her leg.
"Ok so then,
You still are having trouble here, with the order of how you solve the problems. Never do subtraction if there is a multiplier here..." Chris said ever so Chris-like. I nodded. This time I was at his
house, but we were studying at his kitchen table. His parents were never home, and he had no sisters or anything, so it was real great for studying. Studying his face, his eyes, the way his lips move
when he talks. Studying how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to love me back. Only to realize it could never be. Reality set in hard every time I wondered into my dreams.
After we
were done 'studying' we decided it was time to go out side and throw the basket ball around and shit. Chris ran up and slammed dunked the ball from me, he was so much taller than me. I shot him an evil
look. I ran around and tried to get the ball, but I don't think I ever got a shot in. He was too good for me. To fast. I collapsed against his garage door and he did the same, next to me. I took a couple
deep breaths and looked over at him, he was looking at me too; I blushed and turned the other way.
"...Y-you should try out for the basket ball team." I said nervously. Chris laughed. "I'm not
that good, besides I'd hate all that practice for something so fun." I smiled, just like Chris I thought. There was silence for a while, almost as if I could hear the summer air float through the dusk
ridded sky. "....umm Nick I uhh, wanted to ask you something." Chris said as he grabbed the basket ball and started to fiddle with it nervously. I turned to him a little, but avoided eye contact.
"Y-yeah?" I said. Chris started to roll the basket ball in his hands. "Are you....erm do you like me?" he asked. My heart jumped. What did that mean? I thought. I decided to play it safe. "Of course!" I
said. "You're my best friend! I can't dislike you..." Chris frowned a little. He stood up and looked a little mad.
Chris started to dribble the ball as he stood, staring at the ground. "What if I
said I liked you, more than that. What if I said...what if I loved you? Then would you still like me? Even then?" My heart was doing some real weird things now. I think it was popping from my
chest. I didn't know what to say, I was blushing and nervous. "I...d-do you like me...like that?" I asked wanting to make sure. Chris narrowed his eyes. "..yes I do." he said. I stood up and
smiled. "I...do you really?" I asked again like an idiot. "You aren't joking with me!" Chris saw the smile on my face and walked over to me. "No..I'm not joking. I had to tell you Nick." I think I was
crying a little, but I didn't care, for some reason nothing mattered but us. I lunged forward and wrapped my arms tightly around Chris. He dropped the basketball as I nestled my head on his shoulder.
Neither of us said anything, we were both too emotional too. I felt Chris put his hand on my head and sort a like pet me. He held me closer. I don't think he ever thought we'd be together either.
We held each other, right there in Chris's driveway for anyone to see. We didn't care really, we'd forgotten about the world. Even if the feelings we held for each other were considered gross and wrong,
they felt beautiful and pure to us. Time seemed to slow as Chris held me tight to him and I wished that time would freeze altogether. Just so I could live this moment forever.
"Great job on the
quiz Nicholas!" Mr. Deberog said cheerfully. I smiled for once, IN MATH CLASS! "Thank you.." I said, amazed of my grade. An A-. I got an 'A' me! "You must have really studied then huh?" Mr. Deberog
asked. He always seemed to focus on me. I smiled and glanced back at Chris. "Oh yeah, Chris has really been helping a lot. We 'study' together every chance we get." I smiled. Mr. Deberog raised an
eyebrow and nodded. Obviously ignorant of what I had implied. I guess it was better that way. For our love to be a secret one. One that we kept to ourselves and dared not to tell to others. Sometimes it
even made our love feel all the more special. One no one else understood, or knew about.
The times when we were together and Chris held me tight to him. When I could hear his heart beating.
That's when I knew our love was one that would last, even if it lasted in secret. And when he whispered to me how much he loved me, even if no one else could ever hear those words, know that he had said
them; I knew he meant what he whispered. I knew he loved me.
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