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Jan 2008
My story on suicide: Sometimes I wonder how many lives could have been saved, how many families could have been preserved, and how much more love there could have been in this
world if everyone had known they weren't alone. Before I share anything about my life I just want to say that you are not alone. I don't know who you are or what reasons you have for reading this but
regardless of all of that, I just want you to know… you are not alone and that at some point in your life you will find people who love you just the way you are. I was born in a pretty conservative
part of California; it's one of those places that seem to take an emotional drain on you. Sexuality aside- my city is just a pretty suffocating place. It's one of those towns that has enough people to
not be considered "small" but not enough people to be considered "big." It's pretty much Nowhere, USA, a perfect backdrop for a story of self-hatred, suicide, anger, redemption, acceptance, and…
hope. There's not many values here in Nowhere, USA, the pressure to get into a good college leads a lot of people to cheat, to lie, and to turn their back on morals. Most teenagers around here are more
interested in themselves than anything else. I don't say this to proclaim that I'm better than my peers… because I'm not. I say this because my journey accepting my homosexuality has allowed me the
unique opportunity to realize that there are so many people in the world who need a friend in hard times. I've had a tough life growing up, without going into too much detail, let me just say that my
parents were the type of parents who stayed together for the sake of staying together. There were a lot of fights at home when I was a kid and from an early age I learned to take care of myself. I went
through elementary school, middle school, and high school (I'm a senior right now) without anyone ever calling me "gay" or a "fag" but at the same time, the fact that I was able to mask my sexuality just
made me more lonely. With no one to confide in at home and few who could understand me at school, life became a living hell. I'd try dating a lot of girls in the vain desperation that this could "cure"
me of my sexuality, all it did was make me feel more lonely. My guy friends were typical guys who were more interested in talking about cute girls and booze than they were about their insecurities and
hopes. My female friends were the type of girls who listened with an open ear but judged with a closed heart. At least that's what I thought… but in hindsight I could have saved myself a lot of
trouble if I hadn't prejudged my friends and assumed that they wouldn't accept me for being gay. Just like we fear people will prejudge us… we're guilty of prejudging others as well… no
matter who does it, it doesn't do any good and it isn't very fair. I didn't go from just deciding I wanted to tell my friends I was gay to telling them the next day. The process was much more difficult.
I'd often ask myself is life was worth living if this is all I had to look forward to in the future. I can remember lying in bed and listening to music contemplating what I was living for. So many of my
friends would eagerly talk about how excited they were for graduation or college but none of that really concerned me. When you have trouble waking up in the morning, who cares what happens later in the
day? When life wasn't getting any better I figured it was probably best that I just kill myself. I'd often wait till no one was home and I'd stand there looking up ways to end my life painlessly. I'd
stand there… going over different suicide scenarios in my head and thinking about which one would be the best for me. I painfully labored over a suicide note, telling everyone how much I would miss
them and for them to not blame themselves. Then suddenly it hit me one day; I really did only have two options. I could take the cowards way out and just kill myself (leaving more people to be alone and
contributing to a vicious cycle) or I could open up and try to make things better. What did I have to lose? I decided to open up. Enough was enough and I told my best friend (a guy) that I was gay. The
fact that he was so open and accepting encouraged me to tell more of my close friends. Before I knew it, ten of my close friends knew and none of them judged me. Some of them were people I thought would
never accept me. One day, I got into a car accident with my dad in the car and he asked me why I wasn't paying attention to the road. I was so upset that I just stuttered and told him everything, I
remember sitting there for an hour stumbling with the words "I'm… I'm… I'm… Well… I'm" before I finally told him. Between my sobs and apologies he said some important words to me
"I may not agree with your life and it may seem unnatural but I'll try to accept it." A few months later, I know he's still sad that I'm not straight but in his own way I know that he's trying his best
to accept me…. And in time he will. Now I'm not advocating telling everyone, you should exercise your own judgment beforehand but what I'm saying is test the water. Bring up issues on sexuality
with people and see how they react. Ask them how they feel about a celebrity being gay or issues like gay marriage, etc. etc. and I think you'll find that people are more accepting than you may have
assumed. If they seem this way after you test the water, tell them. It's better than feeling like you'd rather die. What have you got to lose? That first step I made in telling my best friend was one of
the best decisions I ever made. Although I still have rough moments where thoughts of suicide came back, they are never as strong as before. Gradually my friends (and dad) accepting my sexuality allowed
me to accept my own. I started to meet other gay guys online and as of today, I don't feel so alone anymore. It's as happy an ending as any gay person can hope for and if it happened to me, it can happen
to you. Now that my story is over, I just want to talk to you. Don't let anyone tell you your sexuality is wrong. Even if one hundred people tell you that you're a sinner or immoral… they are all
wrong. You are who you are and you love who you love. What sin can you commit by loving another human? What is there immoral about wanting to spend your life with someone you love? These notions seem
noble to me, not wrong. Those who say otherwise, I'd like to see them argue that wanting to save a life is wrong. There are millions of people in this world who feel the way you do and need someone like
you in their lives. You are not alone. Even now you aren't… because if nothing else I care about you and I don't want you to suffer. I wrote this essay for you. At the beginning my piece, I
wondered how many lives could have been saved, how many families preserved, and how much love there was lost because someone decided their sexuality was wrong and denied who they were (or worse yet,
killed themselves). Please don't be a statistic. If you end your life, with you goes your family and someone else's life. Believe it or not, some one out there is waiting for you… don't ruin their
life and make them wait forever by taking your own life. Just hold on, even in the darkest moments of life you will find your light. If you're feeling suicidal or just need a friend, I wish I could be
with you physically right now but because I can't, let me just say that there are millions of people all around the world with you and holding you right now, spiritually. If you need someone to talk to,
there are hundreds of gay support group websites you can visit. A quick google search will net you a bunch. If nothing else, you can e-mail me at yourenotalonemyfriend@yahoo.com I can't guarantee I'll
respond but I'll try. But… no matter what happens… just remember You are not alone and believe me… I love you very much. -Mike
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