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The first time I realized that I had an attraction to other boys was around seventh grade. Up until that time I had always had little crushes on girls. I knew
then, as all gays do, that there was something a little "off" about me. I was naturally embarrassed about it, and I never told anyone. I was always the ugly fat kid you see in the corner
reading alone. You know—the one you never really notice until he kills himself.
In my family, gay is not okay. My aunts and uncles are the biggest group of bible-huggers
on this side of the globe. My cousin Brooke is an open lesbian, and has been virtually cut off from the family tree. I can't think of a time when I haven't wanted to kill myself. I've
spent a lot of time contemplating suicide over the years, but have never been able to work up enough courage to slit my wrists. I keep hoping that I'll wake up one morning a normal straight
seventeen-year-old, but I know how stupid that sounds.
Throughout high school, I've lost a lot of weight and have changed considerably. A lot of girls tell me I'm cute or whatever,
but I don't see it. I'm so used to hating myself that it's difficult for me to start liking who I am.
I've told a few people that I'm gay. For the most part, they've all been
girls—people I trust. Most of them have honored my secrecy, but some have started the vicious rumor train. I try to act straight, but it's pretty obvious for anyone with working
gay-dar.
I can't bring myself to tell anybody in my family, especially my dad. I told him once that I don't really agree with some of the church practices and he about went berserk.
"You're Catholic!" he reminded me.
I just don't know how to deal with all of this anymore. I hate myself, everything about myself. How do all these teens do it? How do
they come out to their families? It's pretty sad that I'm 17 and have never been on a single date in my life.
Does anyone have any advice for coming out to parents who are complete
homophobes? I could really use it…
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