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My name is Jeff and I m 16 and I m still hiding from the
world because I just don t know how people will take it. I live in Florida and
my dad s side of the family is a
bunch of homophobic hillbillies that would
never accept the fact, or at least that s what I think. But on the other hand
my mom, I think, would understand. I am pretty sure my sister already
knows
because every time I m not sober because of adult beverages she asks me if Im gay. Most likely because she uses my computer all the time and probably sees the kind of sites I browse.
Most like this one here.
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When I was in elementary school kids started calling me gay and a fag
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I don t really remember exactly when I realized I was gay but I know I was
confused and pretty much angry at myself. Kept asking myself Why can t I just
be normal? . I do remember when me and my friend Tom use to fool around out in his grandfathers shed or out in our back pasture in the pool but I just thought we were being
normal and doing what normal kids do. Well a few years after that I realized that it wasn't what other kids do. Tom, who used to be my
best friend, doesn't talk to me anymore. I guess he knew I was gay or maybe is too and doesn't want me around to put him out of the closet.
When I was in elementary school kids started calling me gay and a fag. I knew I
was deep down but I always lied and defended myself. Since I have lived in
Florida all my life and in the same town, those kids that bullied me followed
me until my junior year in high school. The words hurt, they really did. Like
someone twisting a knife in your heart and stomping on your ego. I cried a lot
and hid every emotion from my parents. I really wish I wouldn't have done that
now but I didn't know any better. I thought that they wouldn't love me any more
or that they would disown me. I didn't know any better I was young and in
denial.
Well now I m 16 and I have stopped going to school because of the people that
put me down all the time and I am currently enrolled at American
Academy so I
can get my high school diploma and start college 2 years early. I grew up
having almost all girl friends and I just fit in and could relate to them so
much better than the bullying guys. I am afraid to tell anyone even though it
may be obvious that I am gay just because I can't stand being rejected. I had a
few relationships with girls but they never seemed to catch my attention and
never lasted very long. I have been with 4 guys already. Not in a relationship
just as a booty call I guess you can call it. I meet them online and I get to
know them for a while. But that s not how I want to live my life. I want to be
me.
Sure I have thought about suicide and have tried it by taking 200 Advil and
trying to slit my wrists. My mom knows I'm depressed because she sees me crying all the time and I always tell her nothing is wrong even
though I just want to scream to her that I m gay. I can't help who I am and what I am attracted to. I just really want to come out of the closet and I want to be myself and to be
free. If anyone has any advice at all about how I could tell my parents, a way
to soften the blow for my dad it would help me a lot because it seems as though
I m never happy anymore. I was crying just reading the other letters posted on
this site and they really got to me. I know that there are people that are in
my position and I just want help. Jeff |
