The Unknown Someone by Jan (16)

Sitting in my room, i try to think about nothing. But the harder I try, the
more I think. My thoughts must go crazy and I'm unable to think about anything
other. I try to stop it, but my mind drifts away. The longing becomes physical
pain. The yearning for someone I've never met. Someone understanding and caring
about me. Someone who lies beside me when I wake up, having his arms around me.
Someone who's appearance makes me happy. Someone who catches me when I'm falling.
Someone who holds me close and gives me shelter. For a split second I escape
from my dreams. I turn the radio on, hoping to avert myself a bit. It's
Coldplay's The Scientist , making it even worse. My view becomes indistinct
and my stomach contracts painfully. I can't bear this anymore. As hot tears run
 down my face, I take a razor blade. As I put it on my upper forearm, it
becomes a little warm. I hesitate. A tear drops from my chin and I drag the
thin metal slowly through my flesh. After about 2 inches I stop and let the
blade drop on the floor. What have I done?  I ask myself. Some seconds later, it
starts bleeding. I don't care. The pain prevents me from thinking about my
desire. I feel the warm blood run down my arm. As I hear the first drop on the
floor, my thoughts are again on the unknown someone. 

To be continued .
 

Inability by Jan (16)

What the hell is that? Looks dangerous!  He says while pointing on my left
forearm.  Oh, it's not that bad, I've just cut myself on a sharp metal edge in the
kitchen, it  really not that bad.   Does it hurt?    No, not too much. ;  Damn
liar  I think. During classes I rip it off again and it starts bleeding.
Stupid idiot, why did you do that?  I ask myself. Before the blood flows on my
desk I carefully lap it up from my arm.  Doesn't taste too bad  I think. After
it has stopped bleeding I look around in the classroom. My eyes stick on
Stephen. Fantasies begin to rise and I try to suppress them. Suddenly he turns
 his head in my direction. For a split-second my eyes lock with his. They are
 beautiful- they are so blue, so perfect. Everything is perfect about him. His
brown hair, his smooth lips, his soft skin. Before I can lose myself in the
abyss of his eyes he looks somewhere else. But though I keep on staring at
him. He's just perfect, he's funny, he looks gorgeous. But why should he make out
with someone like me. I'm nothing but a stupid desperate queer guy dreaming
of things he can never reach. I feel like jumping out of the window immediately
or better standing up, go to Stephen and just kiss him, feeling his warm body
and the sweet wetness of his mouth, slowly letting… The bell tugs me back into
the bitter reality. As I walk down the corridor a hand suddenly grabs my
shoulder and forces me to turn around. It's Stephen, looking in my eyes! I
'm totally surprised, unable to do anything. It seems to me as decades would pass
and I wish this moment would never end. His lips part slowly and I almost lose
consciousness.  Could you lend me your English book? I've forgotten mine.  He
says. An Oh, my god!  leaves my mouth. What?  Stephen looks confused. Never
mind.  I answer quickly.  Uhm, yeah of course you can have it. With shaking
hands I give it to him. Are you alright?            
- Yes,  yes, everything's fine.  I say in a not very convinced way.
 Well then, we'll meet in history class and thanks for your book!
 You're welcome  I answer still a bit confused. He lets his hand pass over my
 hair and goes away, leaving me there standing alone. And hey!  he shouts  Don'
t always rip your arm off again!  Then he's gone. I'm unable to do anything.
Slowly I start to realize what happened. I didn't notice that he had noticed
me ripping off my wound.