|
You've thought about it a lot. So - you're sure you are gay. Now what? It might help to tell somebody. You don't have to do this but if you have problems at some point, you will have someone to turn to
for support and advice. Someone you can talk to about your life. But whom to tell? This is a key question. It could be a close friend, a brother or sister, your parents, or someone else you trust and
feel comfortable with. It could be that you are more comfortable keeping all this to yourself since no one comes to mind that you feel comfortable with. You may wish to hide the fact that you are gay and
"live-a-lie". But this can be a lonely way to go –a way that can only make you feel more isolated from family and friends.
In any case think it over carefully and only decide to come out if you feel you are ready. There is no rush to do this and never consider doing it under pressure. Some gay teens live under intense
pressure from fellow peers who are not gay positive and are actually abusive and threatening to gays. This can be very intimidating and frighten you into not coming out. There is often pressure to act
"straight" –especially if you are an athlete on a school team as I am. Coming out to my high school teen jocks is guaranteed to make me the butt of endless jokes and catcalls –and so I have avoided that.
Remember –you don't have to come out to everyone all at once. Pick your spots carefully and find someone you can trust but again only when you are ready. And there is no right time for this- only you can
judge your own circumstances. Coming out without giving it lots of thought and planning can lead to much distress and unhappiness for both you and your friends.
But what if a friend asks you if you are gay before you are ready to admit it. This is why it pays to have given this issue some advance thought. And if it's a trusted friend, then he or she has just made
it easier for you to bring up the subject. But again if you are not ready, then it's okay to tell a white lie and deny it. Later when you are more prepared you can tell your friend you regret the lie but
you just weren't ready to come out at that time. If truly a friend, your friend will understand.
So here are my bits of advice
about coming out:
- Think it through carefully before you tell someone. Try to imagine some possible reactions and prepare a strategy to deal with each.
- If they say they already thought you might be gay, don't be upset; it just makes it easier on both of you.
- Try not to apologize for being gay. After all, it's not your fault.
- If you get asked a ton of questions try to answer them as truthfully as possible.
- Don't come out just to shock someone
- Do not come out in the midst of an argument.
- It's best not to come out to a group of people since some of the group members may ask questions to hurt you in order to impress the group or make it clear to the group
that they are not gay.
- Do not feel that you must tell everyone; you can come out only to certain people
- Expect some people to go on the attack with moral issues. Listen to what they say and if they do not accept your responses, tell them that that is the way you feel.
- If things go wrong or not as you expected, it helps to have prepared a way out.
- Some people will never accept the fact that you are gay. If this happens to you it is likely there is nothing you can do about it. Just accept that fact and don't
continually push the gay thing on them.
- Make an effort to get some literature both for yourself and the person you tell. It make may it easier to have a frank discussion.
- Give the person you have come out to some breathing room. You don't have to discuss the whole gay issue right then and there. Let them absorb the basic fact first and
then you can have a more detailed discussion later.
- Some people are locked into gay stereotypes and you may not fit the stereotype in their mind. Give them some time to accept you as a gay.
- Give serious thought to coming out to a very homophobic family. Your life could be hell after coming out to them. You could be thrown out of the house and told never to
come back or you could be enrolled in treatment to correct the "problem". The latter has happened to an internet chat friend.
- Listen carefully to the person(s) you are planning to come out to beforehand to get an idea of what their views on homosexuality are. This will help in deciding if they
are an appropriate person to come out to and also help with the your strategy
- Come out to someone in person -not by email or over the phone
Its good to come out to someone for the support it can provide but do so only when you are ready, the time is right and you've done some advance planning. Personally I am out to a friend, my boyfriend
(obviously), and just a month ago to my 15 year old bro. I am not yet out to my parents but that is not far off –I'm just not ready for that yet. I'll soon add a section on those coming outs to show how
things went in my case. I'd also like to hear from you about your experiences coming out or your fears and post them here-if you agree to that. Just email me. Thanks.
|
