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Hey Guys,
I don't guess my coming out story is all that riveting. I didn't get disowned,
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"I put a bullet
in every
other
cylinder..."
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no one beat or yelled at me, and for the most part life continued on in a quasi-normal fashion. I did sort through a multitude of issues however, and
perhaps dictating them to all of you may help someone sort out something in their own life.
Well for starters, my name is Clint, and I am currently 18 years old living in
a small Texas town. I've lived in Texas since day one of my life, but am
looking forward to the day when I finish college and move to a more vibrant
community than the one I'm in today. I've been raised in a southern Baptist
church, and for the most part, and happy that this has been the case. While I
don't necessarily believe what is taught there, it has nonetheless helped me
to develop a strong sense of moral character. I went to a school with about
180 students in the same grade as myself, so while it wasn't huge by any means,
there were still enough kids to achieve some sort of diversity.
The first time I remember thinking to myself I don't think I m really 100%
straight was in the sixth grade. I wasn't particularly feminine in my
mannerisms. I went hunting with my dad, I played football, and I'd even had a
few semi-functional relationships with girls. However, when the time came to
vote for the Class Favorites for the yearbook (you know, the ones where you
voted on Cutest boy, Prettiest girl, class clown, etc ), I found myself asking
myself many very intriguing questions. While most of the boys in the class
just looked disgusted at the thought of choosing the cutest boy (or else wrote
down the ugliest one in the school to try and piss off the girls), I could be
found sitting at my desk, tapping the paper with my eraser, deep in thought.
Boy-X is definitely the cutest boy in school I thought almost immediately.
But then came the questions: But Boy-Y has such great hair and has a smokin
body, should I put him instead? Why are all the other guys looking so
disgusted at the question? Maybe it's because guys aren't supposed to think of
other guys as cute ? Well I'm a guy, and I think other guys are hot So what
does that make me??? Gay!?!? I think not!!!
After this mental disturbance, I went on for many months trying to describe my
feelings toward other boys to myself. I went through a few more girlfriends,
much more quickly than before. Girls didn't hold that much interest to me any
more. Sure I thought they were pretty and all, but I just couldn't get all
that excited about the thought of dating them. I found myself thinking more
and more about the feelings I had for one boy in particular in my grade. We
were in 7th grade and had an Algebra II class together every day with three
other guys at 7:00 every morning. He was smart, he was funny, he was single,
and he had the cutest little face anyone could ask for. But he was also a
he, which made him unavailable to me.
To make a long story a bit shorter, he and I played football together in 8th
grade, during which time we always found ourselves paring together for
stretches etc The thought occurred to me that perhaps he was curious about
guys in the same way that I was. Some day in the locker room he asked me if I
would like to mess around a bit after practice. When I consented, he went to
the other three guys in my math class (we were all good friends) and told them
what I'd said. I immediately denied it all and convinced them that I was just
joking around. So began my long stay in the closet. After his offer, I knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was at the very least Bi.
I made it to High School appearing to be a very reserved, very smart, and very
straight guy. I wasn't really a nerd as I had a great deal more dress sense
and social graces than a typical bookworm. I could interact perfectly with
other students if it was required, but I usually just opted out. During the
first semester of my junior year, I left High School for college two years
early. I attended a program at a large public university that was designed to
fit the needs of students who had learned as much math and science as their
school had to offer them. I lived with about 200 other students in my same
situation in a dorm with a community bath. I had never shared a room with
anyone before, and certainly not had to use a community bathroom on a daily
basis.
While most of the guys in the program with me could easily be classified as the
perfect archetype of the word nerd , there were a few that were so dashing and
witty that I could focus on nothing else besides my desire to at least have a
chance at going out with them. It seemed so unfair that I was denied the
opportunity to be with someone so perfect for me simply because the
relationship wouldn't coincide with the popular beliefs of what a relationship
was supposed to be like. I became increasingly anti-social, and found that
being around so many people who cared about nothing other than what my SAT
score was or how many hours I'd studied for the Bio test, did nothing but
intensify my desire to get out of town. I didn't want to let my parents think
I quit on purpose, so I got my grades just low enough that I was sent back
home.
I came back after my first semester very depressed. I didn't want to see all
my high school friends again and explain to them over and over again why I had
to come back. All I wanted was a person to talk to about what I had been
feeling for the past five and a half years. But the thought of telling anyone
about my sexuality scared the bejesus out of me. At that point I had never met
anyone who I knew was gay. I felt completely alone. I laid in bed for many
long days over the Christmas holidays watching the ceiling fan spin over my
head, trying to decide on who I should tell. On January 3, with my return to
high school looming over me like a killer in the night, I decided that maybe I
didn't really want to go through all of the difficulties of living life as a
gay person. I instead intended for fate to decide whether I was forced to live
on, or if today was my day to die. I walked calmly from my bed to the gun
closet and picked out the 6 shot .38 revolver. I put a bullet in every other
cylinder so that there was a 50-50 chance of landing on one. In what was
without question the dumbest thing I ever did, and hopefully ever will do, I
spun the chamber, pulled back the hammer, put the gun to my head, and pulled
the trigger. click
When I heard that sound I fell down on the ground and cried. I had
never felt
more alive, or happy to be alive, as I did at that moment. As I look back, I
know that before January 3, I had completely underestimated the compassion and
understanding of most of the human species. After my testing of fate,
everything seemed so much easier. I went to high school and faced my peers
with a confidence I d never known before. In my gym class (I only took it
because I needed something to fill my schedule) I met my first gay guy ever,
along with his friend Amber. Even though I wasn't really attracted to him, I
finally found the person I could talk to about my feelings. He was a senior,
and was out to the whole school, so me talking to him as much as I did kind of
gave me away too. I never really had to tell anyone else. People just came up
to me and asked, hey you talk to Guy-X all the time, are you gay? so I just
told them yes.
This made my whole coming out phase much easier as I didn t have to tell all of
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"I'm now a Freshman in college, infinitely happy to be alive, and
a living
testament to the belief that all things have the potential to get
better."
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my friends individually The news just spread on its own through my smallish school. I didn't end up losing any friends over it at all, and in fact, I
made so many new ones because of it, that I m amazed that Texas has such a
homophobic stereotype around it. Over the summer I told my dad, who gave me the it s
probably just a phase response, which was fine in my opinion. I decided to let the issue drop and let him think what he wanted, which has
turned out to be the best thing I could have done. My mom wasn't too surprised since I hadn't shown an interest in having a girlfriend in five
years, and she has continued to be supportive.
My senior year came and went very quickly. I kissed my first guy in September of that year, but
I never got involved in a relationship. Well actually my best female friend and I went out for about two weeks as a joke, but that was it.
I had the best year of my life even though I was still single, just knowing that I could live openly from then on.
I wasn't flamboyant and tried not to shove it in people's faces, so
everyone was ok with it for the most
part. Actually a lot of my guy friends asked me for advice about what they
could do to up their sexy factor. All in all, life did nothing but get
better after January 3, when I finally realized that living in fear of
rejection could drive you to do things that are in total contradiction to
common sense. I'm now a Freshman in college, infinitely happy to be alive, and
a living testament to the belief that all things have the potential to get
better. Hopefully my story has related in some way to you so that you will
know to never give up on life. Things can only get so bad before they start
getting better, and if you re thinking about suicide as an option, TALK TO
SOMEONE Anyone Go to a church and talk to the youth minister. Go to your
school s counselor. Go to a friend. Talk to ME even at
ceubanks113@yahoo.com... Please. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the site
Chad! |
