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My mind is still spinning .
On Friday night I saw a movie which I thought was to be a love story, Brokeback Mountain, which turned out to be a lesson on
the hardships gays face when they are shunned because of their orientation.
Before I came out a few years ago I was set in
that mind frame. If I was ever to come out, I myself would be shunned from the very home I live in and the people who mean most to me not only for being queer, but also the fact that I had lied to
them for so long.
I hid my self well, kept girlfriends most of the time and even bragged about how much I enjoyed having
sex with them. I refrained from dressing the way I wanted to and even changed songs playing on the radio I truly enjoyed so that I was not to be perceived as a fag .
This stopped when I was eighteen. Not when I met my boyfriend but when I started dating the last girl I ever will date
Jaquelynn. She was and still is an angel. Jakkie saved me from myself, with her I could do and say what ever I wanted to with out fear that I was being judged.
Why? You may ask yourself , what makes her so special? Well, we had one thing in common, and it was something she did very
well. She was a dreamer! Which was exactly what an in the closet homosexual is and exactly what I was, a dreamer. With out getting into too much detail, she changed me. She was able to show
me, not just tell me but actually show me that all dreams are obtainable and in some way gave me the ability to believe in myself which no one , not my parents or even my best friends could do. At the
time I didn t realize it, it actually wasn t until we were over did I realize how much she had taught me.
I went into a
deep, no a very deep depression when she left me, I cried and screamed, drank and stayed as high as I could, thinking of how much I missed her. After about a month I realized, it wasn t her I missed it
was the way she made me feel, I missed learning from her. Its hard to explain but I ll try ..dreaming is a great feeling to have as long as the dream is obtainable, Jacqui allowed me stay in my dream
world, I started dressing how I wanted, acting out my true feelings, I didn t need to hide from her. On the other hand if the dream is perceived to be unobtainable once you awaken from that dream, and
you are shoved back into reality, reality it self becomes a nightmare.
A nightmare is what my life was, forced
to hide my true feelings from the world. And when Jacqui left, that is what I feared to return to. I loved who I was when I was with her .I was me.
I decided to start being who I
wanted to be and make my dream world , my reality. It was the only choice I had, if I had continued my way of hiding and self destruction, my life was sure to be one of pain and discomfort. It was time
to put all those lessons learned to a good use.
I spent a lot of time with my mother reinforcing the love I had for her, knowing the time was near that I would go through the largest
transition period of my life, straight to purely and utterly gay. I would have to break her heart and not only tell her I was gay but also one day bring a lover home. The rest of my idle time I spent
pushing myself to become the gay man I always dreamt I could be, but was so scared to become. I worked on my physic and strengthened my mind, I would have to. No gay man goes with out criticism .
After about 4 months I was ready to (this sounds so cliché) but come out! I called my old high school buddies and got rid of my crowd which had in the recent year, do to habits
I had picked up myself (typical of some one with no self-esteem) all became heavy drug users and drunks. High school to me was a night mare but I did meet a few people who made it all worth while. It was
time to reconnect. All of my close friends were girls except for one, my very best friend, and my lover today, Jason.
Jason was like me in high school, gay, scared, and unhappy most
of the time. He never told me and I never told him . I thought it was about time.
I called him and a few other friends and we all got together and for the first time they saw me! I didn t
tell everyone right then and there. I eased into it; my first target was of course Jason.
One Saturday night, after a Friday of all of us drinking together I gave him a call. We got
to some talking and I invited him over to finish up the last of some rum we had the previous night. It took him a while but when he finally showed I was ecstatic, he on the other hand was not. Quiet and
docile he sat on my couch. We were alone in my bed room, basically the basement apartment of my parents house. I kept trying to analyze what might be going through his mind, I knew. It was me. I
made a choice right then and there
Close your eyes I said
For what! shocked I would say something like that
Just do it
At the moment he closed his eyes I got close to him, put my hand on his face and kissed his lips.
As soon as I pulled away he asked my why?
I
smiled and said it s on my mind too .
It was that moment our relationship began, shortly after, although through many fights and arguments, we are out to everyone and as a bonus
became the happiest couple ever to roam this world, which had changed into a realm of possibility, a world that was once my dream, only to become my reality.
Broke Back Mountain, was
tragic, unlike me those two men did not have an angel show them the light. Convinced by the ignorant people surrounding them that their love was an abomination had kept them in the shadows. Fear had
consumed them. They were trapped in a world that did not socially accept their life style thus forced to live a clandestine life, secret from their families and friends. With out support from loved ones
they were doomed and inevitably their relationship ended in death and pain.
For those of us who feel as if we must hide our true selves please reconsider your facts. I hope no matter who
you love your able to share it. Living in shadows is no way to live, and has its own consequences. I hope this letter not only reaches those hiding in the darkness but also anyone who my be able save
someone, and become their angel of salvation. I have faith in you. Lets end these tales of sorrow, like Broke Back Mountain. Reinvent your worlds to how you see fit, it is the better way of life.
By Alan Beauchene
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